True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ladies don't puke and tell
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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