i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
