I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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