I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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