this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
