I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
