Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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