I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
