I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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