wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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