Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
