The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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