Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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