he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
