Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
