i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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