Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
