go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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