He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
