ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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