Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
