What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You took a bar mat shot.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
