I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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