Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I deserve this hangover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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