i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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