remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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