respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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