i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
