So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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