i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
