I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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