i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize