I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hippo gnu deer
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
