I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
my liver is dry heaving
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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