so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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