I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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