A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
they need to just BURY HIM!
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
