Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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