he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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