I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
