You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize