Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The struggles of a small town man whore
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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