I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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