You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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