who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
