every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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