My ATM looks so different sober.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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