if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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