i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
be right there i have to get my cape
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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