Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
