I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
