No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
MIDGETS
????
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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