allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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