3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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