I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Drunk is not a location!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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