she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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