Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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